Year in Review

Its been a year...full of ups and way more downs. Sometimes I coasted along, not sure of what was to come all knowing that it would all end up ok. That was this years motto: Its all gonna be ok.

As the year started, my heart was low. My mind wandered a little too far and got myself hurt, again. But as I tend to do, i got over it, in due time of course. I started to pre-occupy myself with friends family and work. Things were changing at home and things were going to get a little harder. I accepted it with open arms and moved on.

Summer was mixed with very high highs, and very even lower lows. Every time I heard his name, it hurt. But i did what i did best and covered my pain with a smile and said "im ok, really". Eventually everything moved on and I really was ok. I learned not to let my heart go so soon and to be a little less like me.

My baby makes everyday a blessing. Her smile makes everything better. I can keep going, but I think the idea is received.

I met AMAZING people this year. People that I will never be able to forget. I normally dont use real names, but this is something that needs names.

I have met George and Vanessa, the life of any party, big-hearted, hilarious and HOT couple. They've made me feel welcome in their house and their family. Through them, I have met Sarah. We have had time to party and talk and its obvious that we were meant to be friends. So much in Common that its scary! Also met David around the same time. Hilarious sweetheart with a never ending smile. Through Tommy, I met Juan. Theres a lot I could say about him, but amazing kinda sums it up. Always makes me laugh and appreciates the simple things in life. But NEVER get him drunk at a football game!! I met his roomie Andi soon after. Genuine heart that Im hoping to get to know more. I met Kristen early this year and had an instant bond. From the start she has been there for me. Even when she didnt know me. Shes been real with me since day 1 and I know she has a genuine heart and infectious laugh. Tina has been my partner in crime sometimes, but I always know she would be there for me. Marianna has become my little party monster! If there is jager nearby, we will be there! There are so many more people I have met, but listing them all would simply take too much room.

My bond with Kassie, Marissa and Christina has grown more and more each day. Ive known them all for different amounts of times, but the love I have for all of them has matured at a rapid speed. Having the points when youre down in life makes you realize who is really there for you.

Deanna is my best friend through and through. No matter what. Ive said it numerous times and will always continue to say it, but I love her more than I ever have before.

The end of this year is ending on a higher note. I cant say that Im the happiest Ive ever been, but im content. The people in my life make everyday worth being around. I have a smile most of the time, and hope that the upcoming year holds just as much hope, joy and love.

Whatever does happen, however, I know that I've had a great 2009. Only I can make 2010 even better. Guess I better get to work!

Blessed

There have been many times in my short life when I felt worthless, unloved, unwanted and many other negatives. This year, even though it hasn't been the best, I feel blessed. Fortunate even.

I have my beautiful daughter who is my life, my daily light to keep on living and fighting. No matter how hard my day was, no matter what shit I had to deal with she always has a gentle way of letting mommy know it will all be ok.

I am thankful for my best friends Kassie and Deanna. Not many people can work and play with someone and still enjoy every moment of it. They knock me back down to reality when I over-analyze things. They tell me to shut up when I'm being ridiculous. They tell me they love me just because.

I am thankful for the ability to laugh. I make jokes to make myself feel better. I don't think im that funny, but some people think im hilarious...and I like that.

I am thankful for love. Even though it didn't work out well, im glad I had the chance to. Next time, ill do it right.

I am thankful for all of my Twitter friends. Yes, I said it. I have met some amazing people off of a site that I wasn't enthusiastic about using. My Social Butterfly status was questioned and I stepped it into high gear. I haven't met all of them, but the ones that I have (even some I haven't) will always mean something to me.

There are many words to describe me: loud, opinionated, friendly, honest, loyal...but the only one I care about now is Blessed. I have not been blessed financially. I have not been blessed romantically. I have not been blessed physically. I have been blessed spiritually. This has been one of the best years of my life. And im proud of every step and every moment.

Words that help heal

I had a moment yesterday. I know I have them often, but this one was major.

There has been a weird feeling between myself and a friend for a few months. She is now dating the one I was in love with. Before you judge, they were friends as well. I met her through him. She never once tried to shove it in my face or even openly admit that she was dating him. But I know they are both happy. It was very selfish of me to feel upset or even bitter about them. And one statement made me realize this. She put a twitter post out that said "At lunch with my man. Doesn't take much to make me happy. Just seeing his face is enough." My heart sank a little once again but I also realized something. I know what that feeling is. I know how happy felt with him. I am being so selfish to not accept that they are happy. So I told her.

Yes, it hurts to really let him go. I know we will never be the same. But i didn't want to accept that he was happier with someone else. I shed a few tears, i didn't cry. It felt good because I know that she wanted to hear that. They avoid coming to places I will be because they don't want me to be uncomfortable.

Then my day turned into "I hate being alone on the holidays. I hate the holidays because I'm always alone.". One friend said a few statements that broke me down into tears but made me feel stronger.

"Kind of sad because you don't deserve any of this shit, but you're hopeful." She read my blog and said it was remarkably inspirational. and then went on to say "When you find someone I will be so damn happy for you bc I know your heart and know what you deserve." I cried as I read it out loud. These are genuine words spoken from a friends heart. And I'm blessed.

I'm OK. This leads me to things I'm thankful for. Leave that for tomorrow when I'm knee high in turkey and pie.

Its been a while

I have nothing extremely negative or positive to say this time. Weird, I know. Work is starting to get a little busier, and by that I mean christmas threw up. Im crushing on someone, but not sure where its heading.

I had my sad moment the other day. I hate being single because I hate being alone every night. I just want someone who wants to see me. I dont want to have to ask for company and then get turned down. Everyone fears rejection. Why even ask?

My schedule prevents me from trying to date. I just want to go on a date. I dont want to start dating. theres a difference.

Today is a random rant day. I apologize. I need to gather my thoughts.

Denist

So today I am going to the dentist for a few reasons. I have a chip in one tooth, a filling came out of another and im sure I have a few more cavaties. I havent been to the dentist in probably 14 years. And I dont like them.

It got to the point that I couldnt eat anything without being in pain. Right now, i just ate a bowl of cereal and my left side of my mouth and face are throbbing. Its going to cost me money. My benefits only cover so much of certain things. Anywhere from 90-60 percent covered. I need to get this done. Starting with the worst spot.

Hell, if i cant eat, maybe ill lose weight too!

The Friend Syndrome

So....I got to thinking last night...and sometimes me thinking cannot be good. I look back at times in my life and way over analyze things that probably shouldn't be analyzed. Lets start back at the beginning, way back to elementary school.

I like a boy. He likes me. He likes my friend more and says I'm a great friend. Yea, sure that's exactly what I want to be...just a friend. Replay that in high school. I like John. We go out. We talk nightly. We become close. He meets my friend Hope. He likes her and I'm such a great friend. I could keep going, but I'm sure you get the point.

I like someone now. I'm avoiding telling him because there is a group of us that hang out...when he knows that I like him, he is bound to like one of the other girls in the group. The insecure tomboy teenager comes back to take the place of the overly confident, strong 26 year old woman.

Where I seem confident, I'm not at all. I can hold my own in a fight, say what needs to be said, stand strong in being a big bitch, and whatever else. When it comes to groundhogs day take over my love life though, I fall down and hide. WTF.

One of these days, the confident woman will beat the shit out of the insecure teenager. But somehow, this kid has a hold on this adult.

I guess ill settle for being the great friend. They always say you gotta start as friends to build a relationship right? Right. Thats what im sticking to.

What to say, What to do?

This one will be short.

Ive been stressed out lately when it comes to finances. But I haven't broken down like I have in the past. Negative Nancy me (ironic because that's my moms name) is actually a little optimistic. Things will be fine. They might take a little time, but they will be just fine.

About 6 months ago I had a minor breakdown in my kitchen because I didn't know how I was going to pay the power bill that was due to be shut off. So bad of a breakdown, Sophia's father wanted to take her for the week. I told him that she is whats keeping me above ground.

I cant tell you what is different this time around. I used to suffer from depression. Not excessive. But i didn't know how to handle anything in my life. If it wasn't perfect there was a problem. Something changed this year. Heartbreak, loss, failure...guess they all make you stronger.

No crying over little things. I have my life, I have my daughter, I have my place (for now) and I have amazing friends. I'm OK.

Another Douchebag Deleted

So I had a minor breakdown last night. Not a big one. I wasn't a blabbering mess. I was just irritated and had a small tear falls. I found out something that I needed to know, but had to find out on my own.

I had been talking to a guy that I have known for quite some time. The past few months have been on a completely different level. I wasn't letting myself fall like I did in the past but I was feeling like this could be something good. He would come over and chill at least once a week all night. Have fun, talk crap, drink, watch movies. Nothing serious. One thing led to another and we were kissing. This is great. Kinda innocent moments, not raunchy. I could handle this. He started telling me how he was going to do this for my birthday and how we should go to these games and once again, this could be good.

He came to my birthday party and met all of my friends. Acting the same way with me in public as he did in private. Then he kinda fell off the face of the earth. I knew he was working a lot so I tried not to bother him. Send him a random "hey" or "hi" or "have a good day" text and got nothing, time after time. So I sent "do you want me to stop?". No response. So I stopped. Whatever your problem is you'll get over it and when you have time then you'll talk to me...ok.

I looked at Facebook yesterday. You can see when people take tests, what they say to other people, etc. With him being MIA I found it odd that he posted quiz results in the same day. So I got nosy. "How many kids will you have"...ok, fine. A comment posted to it dropped me. "I got 4 Babe!"....and then his mom made a comment in reference to the other girl...Then I looked at their history...Right around my birthday he added her. Since then there have been "miss you baby" and "cant wait to see you baby" comments all over it. That's why you've been distant.

That made me think once again, something is wrong with me. I am only good for being the side girl or stand by until something better comes along. What pissed me off is that he couldn't even tell me. JUST TELL ME and I'll leave you alone. DON'T just throw me to the side with nothing! I had known him for so long and we were friends first. Why couldn't he just tell me?

I deleted his number and deleted his facebook. The guy that didn't seem like he would be "that" guy turned out to be him in disguise. Too good to be true. That's how my luck works.

Doing what I have to do!

Today is my first day off since last month. Crazy right? I started a second job at a bowling alley working anywhere between 10 and 26 hours on top of the 40 hours I already work at my main job. The days have all run together. I have to look at my phone or a calender at least 3 times a day just to remind myself where I am in the week.

So far its been good. I am a quick learner so all of the basics are locked in my head. Some stuff is really simple and I wonder why people have had a hard time with it. Oh well. I still haven't gotten a dead wood (technical term for a pin in the gutter) because I don't wanna look like an ass yet. Everyone is cool with me. Started to really get along with a few of the girls.

My daughters birthday party is 6 days from today. I have to finish planning for that and buying all the goody bag stuff on Wednesday. My daughters father hasn't gotten back to me with who is coming with him so I am not going to plan on them. He can pay for whoever he brings. Makes me kinda sound like a bitch, but he knew he needed to let me know who was coming. I have to buy food and pay for bowling and I'm not paying for people I don't know.

Today and tomorrow are my first days off this month and I want to just lay here. Ill do laundry, clean and be the housewife instead. People have asked me why I took on a second job. Simple. I have to do what I need to do to take care of myself my daughter. Money was tight. Bills were past due. Comcast and Smud have had shut off notices at least once a month. I couldn't do that to my daughter. I need gas to get to work. I had to skimp on food and pay half bills. I don't like that.

So I'm doing what I have to do. I might be tired; I might not have as much social time; oh well. If anyone cant understand then they aren't my friend anyway.

Love is a Bitch

in the past year I have done a lot of stupid things. The biggest is letting myself fall in love. Yea, I know that sounds stupid. Falling in love only caused my heart to break.

I heard a song the other day at work. "realize" by Colbi Calley. I couldn't help but tear up. This was the song I heard the moment I realized that I was in love. The words are perfect. Now I hear it and I get mad that I could love someone who didn't want a relationship but got with someone else. I wanted it SO bad that i made something out of nothing.

No denying that we had something. That was the happiest I had been ever. But it broke my heart every time i saw him, heard anything about him or thought of him. Hearing that song brought it all back.

Everyday is another day to move on. To mend my heart. To be stronger. He did that for me. I know i am appreciated. I know that I am me. Me is great.

I know how cheesy all this sounds. I thank him everyday for breaking my heart. And for being my friend. Ill always love him but I cant feel the same love as before.

Fucking love is a bitch.

Let it begin

Ive always been the one to write what I feel. Whether the emotion is sad, happy or right down random. To be honest, I was never the type of person to share any of my words. Why? Fear of rejection, fear of criticism, straight up fear.

Why start now? A few reasons I guess.
1) It can be my wind down time at night after work and housework.
2) I'm finally confident in my own skin to not care what others think of my words.
3) A friend started his to journal a fresh start in his life.

Call me a copy cat if you will...but many people have blogs.

This week is starting a lot for me. First full week with my cousin away (she lived with me for 2 years); first week struggling for extra money; first week back on the well needed diet and workout plan; last week of real freedom before I start a second job.

Watch me as I cope with life, as simple as it is.