RIP Mike.

Yesterday, my ex step dad passed away. If it wasnt the lung cancer, it couldve been complications from a stroke or a heart attack, all within the past 4 months. Everyone is asking me if I am ok. I am, but naturally there is a sadness.

We havent been extremely close, keep in mind he is my EX step dad. My mom and him split up about 4 years ago. Before that, we had our moments of up and down as to be expected. He started dating my mom at a very important time in my life. Who else is brave enough to start dating a woman with a tempermental teenage girl?

I always said I would NEVER call anybody else dad. I was at a point in my life where I was resentful towards my own dad. It took him a while, but I felt comfortable enough with him that I did start calling him dad. He was so happy. And he became the protective dad. Any boy wanted to talk to me had better deal with him. We all know this story. Eventually, amongst his own problems, we started to fall apart as I got older. I was tired of working to support thier bad habits. I left. Anything left was there for mom and him to handle. I didnt want anything to do with them for a while. I was growing up, growing irritated with thier lifestyle but it wasnt my problem. So we drifted apart.

The last time I saw him was last year. I was meaning to go see him in the hospital after his stroke. This past week actually, but I was sick and shouldnt be there. I didnt get the chance to see him but I also didnt want to have that image of him as my last. I know he is in a better place and no longer suffering. It makes me want to hug my daughter and other family and friends just a little tighter. Makes me want to say I love you and show my appreciation for people more often, before I lose my chance.

Far too long

I have been hesitant to start a post. A lot has happened since November, really since August. I havent fully spoken about what has happened openly. Throughout it all, I have remained positive and optimistic. My head is up. It came to me not too long ago. I wasnt happy with my life. My friends werent real friends. My job was stressing me out. My daily life was not up to par. I feel like I was pushed to my limit on just about anything. I can honestly say I may have lost my mind. I will not go into details. I made a bad choice in judgement. Did I do anything wrong? Technically no. My biggest mistake was trusting anyone that I worked with. Do not mix work and play. Second mistake was taking too much on myself. I overwhelmed myself. Subconsciously, I think I wanted to move on. Now, I may be making half as much money as before, but I am happy. For maybe the first time in a long time I am actually happy. Some people think that I should be sad, depressed or stressed, but somehow I am not. Things happen for a reason and those reasons are never explainable.

It's been a while...

I feel a little bit in a rut. Same thing every day, no change, no excitement. Boring. This is the first post of the year and I feel like it should be filled with exciting changes or fun news; but no, none of that will be going on today.

I cant say that I'm sad, rather I can say that I am not happy. Not with everything that is.

I was fired from my job the beginning of November. I wont go into details because by now, its useless and pointless to try to explain it. I'm not sad about that. Just disappointed. After thinking about it, I wasn't happy there anymore. I was in a rut. (See the trend yet?) I started working full time at my second job and have been feeling just fine about it. Money is tight, no doubts about that.

My mind moves too fast sometimes and I completely over analyze situations, people (including myself) and end up feeling worse in the long run. I push people away, I'm a negative person when I think like this. I was called a downer last night from someone who only talks to me if he wants to hook up. Sorry for inconveniencing you. I don't like confrontation so I also told someone that I have to work on my own issues instead of telling him that he is a hypocritical douche bag. I guess I do have issues to work on but they have nothing to do with him.

In the long run, I guess I am just tired of being single and feel like I'm running out of time. I'm 27, not 67. Reading back, its obvious I am just venting. So, its time to clear my head and try this again.