August 3, 2010

Today is my grandmas 70th Birthday. Its been in question for years if she would even make it here today. Her health has deteriorated seriously over the past 10 years and everyday we are glad to know she wakes up. Its scary living everyday not knowing if she will be there the next day.

My grandma raised me the majority of my life. My mom was in and out of houses and always moving from one guy to the next. My grandma was the only stability I knew. I moved in permanently with her when I was 10. She was extremely tough on me even though I was a good and quiet kid. I learned much later in life that she was building me to be strong today. Shes mean, rude, obnoxious and abrasive. Guess that's where I got it from! But I love her for all of those reasons.

Today has been all about family. I'm getting Sophia set up for preschool and I started to tear up a little. My baby is going to school. Shes getting older by the day and I fear that I'm not being the best mom I can be sometimes. That's a fear that resonates in me because I don't want to fail. I'm strong but I feel fear just like everyone else does. I know I'm doing all I can do to make sure Sophia gets all she needs. I'm doing this all alone and sometimes it breaks me.

I learned today that one of my friends lost his only brother yesterday. I had chills all day. A little known fact about me is that my only brother died this week in 1987. He was only 22 months old and I was 4. There is little I can remember about him and everyday I wonder how he would look like, how he would act, if he is happy now. There was so many times growing up that I was nearly thankful that he didn't have to go through what I went though as a child. I miss him and even 23 years later it still hurts and I still have the unanswered questions about why him. Why then. God has his own reasons for taking people away from us. Nobody ever likes to talk about it or confront it. The day that I meet him again will be a day I have been waiting for since I was a child.

Til that day I will live every moment like its my last. Hug just a little bit tighter, laugh just a little bit louder, smile just a little bit bigger and love like I've never loved before. All I can do is hold the memories I have and carry them on to anyone that cares to listen. Family is more important to me now than ever before.

Today is bittersweet.

Changes?

Some days come on strong. This past week has come on so strong I feel like im overwhelmed. And theres no particular reason for it. I dont know. I know. Those have just been my answers to everything.

"How are you?" "fine"
"are you ok?" "yep"
"anything i can do to help?" "no"

I feel like im on constant repeat with everything.

Work is still good. Still working hard most days. While some people struggle to find a job that suits them, I am happy with mine. Im thankful for that.

My daughter is still #1 in my life. She is the one thing that proves that every day is worthy of another. Terrible 3's take over from time to time, but mostly shes an angel.

I dont like to be at home too often though. My mom has "fallen in love" with someone she has barely been talking to online who currently lives overseas. Im all happy for her if its real but she tends to jump without looking and as her only kid, I worry about her. Shes jumping head first into something that she is 100% confident about. Im more about 40/60. Its her life, not mine but it does affect me. He has already come to visit once and plans another trip within a month. i agreed to meet him this time but do NOT want him at the house around me and my daughter all day. I can go on an on with my concerns, but I wont for my sanity.

I miss Jason more and more everyday. He is overseas and I cant stop thinking about him and want him here with me so much. I might be getting all emotional for no reason. I dont even know if he would want me when he comes back.

Some days I want people over. Other days I want to be all alone curled up in bed. I dont know whats wrong with me.

Til next time.