Blessed

There have been many times in my short life when I felt worthless, unloved, unwanted and many other negatives. This year, even though it hasn't been the best, I feel blessed. Fortunate even.

I have my beautiful daughter who is my life, my daily light to keep on living and fighting. No matter how hard my day was, no matter what shit I had to deal with she always has a gentle way of letting mommy know it will all be ok.

I am thankful for my best friends Kassie and Deanna. Not many people can work and play with someone and still enjoy every moment of it. They knock me back down to reality when I over-analyze things. They tell me to shut up when I'm being ridiculous. They tell me they love me just because.

I am thankful for the ability to laugh. I make jokes to make myself feel better. I don't think im that funny, but some people think im hilarious...and I like that.

I am thankful for love. Even though it didn't work out well, im glad I had the chance to. Next time, ill do it right.

I am thankful for all of my Twitter friends. Yes, I said it. I have met some amazing people off of a site that I wasn't enthusiastic about using. My Social Butterfly status was questioned and I stepped it into high gear. I haven't met all of them, but the ones that I have (even some I haven't) will always mean something to me.

There are many words to describe me: loud, opinionated, friendly, honest, loyal...but the only one I care about now is Blessed. I have not been blessed financially. I have not been blessed romantically. I have not been blessed physically. I have been blessed spiritually. This has been one of the best years of my life. And im proud of every step and every moment.

Words that help heal

I had a moment yesterday. I know I have them often, but this one was major.

There has been a weird feeling between myself and a friend for a few months. She is now dating the one I was in love with. Before you judge, they were friends as well. I met her through him. She never once tried to shove it in my face or even openly admit that she was dating him. But I know they are both happy. It was very selfish of me to feel upset or even bitter about them. And one statement made me realize this. She put a twitter post out that said "At lunch with my man. Doesn't take much to make me happy. Just seeing his face is enough." My heart sank a little once again but I also realized something. I know what that feeling is. I know how happy felt with him. I am being so selfish to not accept that they are happy. So I told her.

Yes, it hurts to really let him go. I know we will never be the same. But i didn't want to accept that he was happier with someone else. I shed a few tears, i didn't cry. It felt good because I know that she wanted to hear that. They avoid coming to places I will be because they don't want me to be uncomfortable.

Then my day turned into "I hate being alone on the holidays. I hate the holidays because I'm always alone.". One friend said a few statements that broke me down into tears but made me feel stronger.

"Kind of sad because you don't deserve any of this shit, but you're hopeful." She read my blog and said it was remarkably inspirational. and then went on to say "When you find someone I will be so damn happy for you bc I know your heart and know what you deserve." I cried as I read it out loud. These are genuine words spoken from a friends heart. And I'm blessed.

I'm OK. This leads me to things I'm thankful for. Leave that for tomorrow when I'm knee high in turkey and pie.

Its been a while

I have nothing extremely negative or positive to say this time. Weird, I know. Work is starting to get a little busier, and by that I mean christmas threw up. Im crushing on someone, but not sure where its heading.

I had my sad moment the other day. I hate being single because I hate being alone every night. I just want someone who wants to see me. I dont want to have to ask for company and then get turned down. Everyone fears rejection. Why even ask?

My schedule prevents me from trying to date. I just want to go on a date. I dont want to start dating. theres a difference.

Today is a random rant day. I apologize. I need to gather my thoughts.