August 3, 2010

Today is my grandmas 70th Birthday. Its been in question for years if she would even make it here today. Her health has deteriorated seriously over the past 10 years and everyday we are glad to know she wakes up. Its scary living everyday not knowing if she will be there the next day.

My grandma raised me the majority of my life. My mom was in and out of houses and always moving from one guy to the next. My grandma was the only stability I knew. I moved in permanently with her when I was 10. She was extremely tough on me even though I was a good and quiet kid. I learned much later in life that she was building me to be strong today. Shes mean, rude, obnoxious and abrasive. Guess that's where I got it from! But I love her for all of those reasons.

Today has been all about family. I'm getting Sophia set up for preschool and I started to tear up a little. My baby is going to school. Shes getting older by the day and I fear that I'm not being the best mom I can be sometimes. That's a fear that resonates in me because I don't want to fail. I'm strong but I feel fear just like everyone else does. I know I'm doing all I can do to make sure Sophia gets all she needs. I'm doing this all alone and sometimes it breaks me.

I learned today that one of my friends lost his only brother yesterday. I had chills all day. A little known fact about me is that my only brother died this week in 1987. He was only 22 months old and I was 4. There is little I can remember about him and everyday I wonder how he would look like, how he would act, if he is happy now. There was so many times growing up that I was nearly thankful that he didn't have to go through what I went though as a child. I miss him and even 23 years later it still hurts and I still have the unanswered questions about why him. Why then. God has his own reasons for taking people away from us. Nobody ever likes to talk about it or confront it. The day that I meet him again will be a day I have been waiting for since I was a child.

Til that day I will live every moment like its my last. Hug just a little bit tighter, laugh just a little bit louder, smile just a little bit bigger and love like I've never loved before. All I can do is hold the memories I have and carry them on to anyone that cares to listen. Family is more important to me now than ever before.

Today is bittersweet.

Changes?

Some days come on strong. This past week has come on so strong I feel like im overwhelmed. And theres no particular reason for it. I dont know. I know. Those have just been my answers to everything.

"How are you?" "fine"
"are you ok?" "yep"
"anything i can do to help?" "no"

I feel like im on constant repeat with everything.

Work is still good. Still working hard most days. While some people struggle to find a job that suits them, I am happy with mine. Im thankful for that.

My daughter is still #1 in my life. She is the one thing that proves that every day is worthy of another. Terrible 3's take over from time to time, but mostly shes an angel.

I dont like to be at home too often though. My mom has "fallen in love" with someone she has barely been talking to online who currently lives overseas. Im all happy for her if its real but she tends to jump without looking and as her only kid, I worry about her. Shes jumping head first into something that she is 100% confident about. Im more about 40/60. Its her life, not mine but it does affect me. He has already come to visit once and plans another trip within a month. i agreed to meet him this time but do NOT want him at the house around me and my daughter all day. I can go on an on with my concerns, but I wont for my sanity.

I miss Jason more and more everyday. He is overseas and I cant stop thinking about him and want him here with me so much. I might be getting all emotional for no reason. I dont even know if he would want me when he comes back.

Some days I want people over. Other days I want to be all alone curled up in bed. I dont know whats wrong with me.

Til next time.

Year in Review

Its been a year...full of ups and way more downs. Sometimes I coasted along, not sure of what was to come all knowing that it would all end up ok. That was this years motto: Its all gonna be ok.

As the year started, my heart was low. My mind wandered a little too far and got myself hurt, again. But as I tend to do, i got over it, in due time of course. I started to pre-occupy myself with friends family and work. Things were changing at home and things were going to get a little harder. I accepted it with open arms and moved on.

Summer was mixed with very high highs, and very even lower lows. Every time I heard his name, it hurt. But i did what i did best and covered my pain with a smile and said "im ok, really". Eventually everything moved on and I really was ok. I learned not to let my heart go so soon and to be a little less like me.

My baby makes everyday a blessing. Her smile makes everything better. I can keep going, but I think the idea is received.

I met AMAZING people this year. People that I will never be able to forget. I normally dont use real names, but this is something that needs names.

I have met George and Vanessa, the life of any party, big-hearted, hilarious and HOT couple. They've made me feel welcome in their house and their family. Through them, I have met Sarah. We have had time to party and talk and its obvious that we were meant to be friends. So much in Common that its scary! Also met David around the same time. Hilarious sweetheart with a never ending smile. Through Tommy, I met Juan. Theres a lot I could say about him, but amazing kinda sums it up. Always makes me laugh and appreciates the simple things in life. But NEVER get him drunk at a football game!! I met his roomie Andi soon after. Genuine heart that Im hoping to get to know more. I met Kristen early this year and had an instant bond. From the start she has been there for me. Even when she didnt know me. Shes been real with me since day 1 and I know she has a genuine heart and infectious laugh. Tina has been my partner in crime sometimes, but I always know she would be there for me. Marianna has become my little party monster! If there is jager nearby, we will be there! There are so many more people I have met, but listing them all would simply take too much room.

My bond with Kassie, Marissa and Christina has grown more and more each day. Ive known them all for different amounts of times, but the love I have for all of them has matured at a rapid speed. Having the points when youre down in life makes you realize who is really there for you.

Deanna is my best friend through and through. No matter what. Ive said it numerous times and will always continue to say it, but I love her more than I ever have before.

The end of this year is ending on a higher note. I cant say that Im the happiest Ive ever been, but im content. The people in my life make everyday worth being around. I have a smile most of the time, and hope that the upcoming year holds just as much hope, joy and love.

Whatever does happen, however, I know that I've had a great 2009. Only I can make 2010 even better. Guess I better get to work!

Blessed

There have been many times in my short life when I felt worthless, unloved, unwanted and many other negatives. This year, even though it hasn't been the best, I feel blessed. Fortunate even.

I have my beautiful daughter who is my life, my daily light to keep on living and fighting. No matter how hard my day was, no matter what shit I had to deal with she always has a gentle way of letting mommy know it will all be ok.

I am thankful for my best friends Kassie and Deanna. Not many people can work and play with someone and still enjoy every moment of it. They knock me back down to reality when I over-analyze things. They tell me to shut up when I'm being ridiculous. They tell me they love me just because.

I am thankful for the ability to laugh. I make jokes to make myself feel better. I don't think im that funny, but some people think im hilarious...and I like that.

I am thankful for love. Even though it didn't work out well, im glad I had the chance to. Next time, ill do it right.

I am thankful for all of my Twitter friends. Yes, I said it. I have met some amazing people off of a site that I wasn't enthusiastic about using. My Social Butterfly status was questioned and I stepped it into high gear. I haven't met all of them, but the ones that I have (even some I haven't) will always mean something to me.

There are many words to describe me: loud, opinionated, friendly, honest, loyal...but the only one I care about now is Blessed. I have not been blessed financially. I have not been blessed romantically. I have not been blessed physically. I have been blessed spiritually. This has been one of the best years of my life. And im proud of every step and every moment.

Words that help heal

I had a moment yesterday. I know I have them often, but this one was major.

There has been a weird feeling between myself and a friend for a few months. She is now dating the one I was in love with. Before you judge, they were friends as well. I met her through him. She never once tried to shove it in my face or even openly admit that she was dating him. But I know they are both happy. It was very selfish of me to feel upset or even bitter about them. And one statement made me realize this. She put a twitter post out that said "At lunch with my man. Doesn't take much to make me happy. Just seeing his face is enough." My heart sank a little once again but I also realized something. I know what that feeling is. I know how happy felt with him. I am being so selfish to not accept that they are happy. So I told her.

Yes, it hurts to really let him go. I know we will never be the same. But i didn't want to accept that he was happier with someone else. I shed a few tears, i didn't cry. It felt good because I know that she wanted to hear that. They avoid coming to places I will be because they don't want me to be uncomfortable.

Then my day turned into "I hate being alone on the holidays. I hate the holidays because I'm always alone.". One friend said a few statements that broke me down into tears but made me feel stronger.

"Kind of sad because you don't deserve any of this shit, but you're hopeful." She read my blog and said it was remarkably inspirational. and then went on to say "When you find someone I will be so damn happy for you bc I know your heart and know what you deserve." I cried as I read it out loud. These are genuine words spoken from a friends heart. And I'm blessed.

I'm OK. This leads me to things I'm thankful for. Leave that for tomorrow when I'm knee high in turkey and pie.

Its been a while

I have nothing extremely negative or positive to say this time. Weird, I know. Work is starting to get a little busier, and by that I mean christmas threw up. Im crushing on someone, but not sure where its heading.

I had my sad moment the other day. I hate being single because I hate being alone every night. I just want someone who wants to see me. I dont want to have to ask for company and then get turned down. Everyone fears rejection. Why even ask?

My schedule prevents me from trying to date. I just want to go on a date. I dont want to start dating. theres a difference.

Today is a random rant day. I apologize. I need to gather my thoughts.

Denist

So today I am going to the dentist for a few reasons. I have a chip in one tooth, a filling came out of another and im sure I have a few more cavaties. I havent been to the dentist in probably 14 years. And I dont like them.

It got to the point that I couldnt eat anything without being in pain. Right now, i just ate a bowl of cereal and my left side of my mouth and face are throbbing. Its going to cost me money. My benefits only cover so much of certain things. Anywhere from 90-60 percent covered. I need to get this done. Starting with the worst spot.

Hell, if i cant eat, maybe ill lose weight too!