Words that help heal

I had a moment yesterday. I know I have them often, but this one was major.

There has been a weird feeling between myself and a friend for a few months. She is now dating the one I was in love with. Before you judge, they were friends as well. I met her through him. She never once tried to shove it in my face or even openly admit that she was dating him. But I know they are both happy. It was very selfish of me to feel upset or even bitter about them. And one statement made me realize this. She put a twitter post out that said "At lunch with my man. Doesn't take much to make me happy. Just seeing his face is enough." My heart sank a little once again but I also realized something. I know what that feeling is. I know how happy felt with him. I am being so selfish to not accept that they are happy. So I told her.

Yes, it hurts to really let him go. I know we will never be the same. But i didn't want to accept that he was happier with someone else. I shed a few tears, i didn't cry. It felt good because I know that she wanted to hear that. They avoid coming to places I will be because they don't want me to be uncomfortable.

Then my day turned into "I hate being alone on the holidays. I hate the holidays because I'm always alone.". One friend said a few statements that broke me down into tears but made me feel stronger.

"Kind of sad because you don't deserve any of this shit, but you're hopeful." She read my blog and said it was remarkably inspirational. and then went on to say "When you find someone I will be so damn happy for you bc I know your heart and know what you deserve." I cried as I read it out loud. These are genuine words spoken from a friends heart. And I'm blessed.

I'm OK. This leads me to things I'm thankful for. Leave that for tomorrow when I'm knee high in turkey and pie.

Its been a while

I have nothing extremely negative or positive to say this time. Weird, I know. Work is starting to get a little busier, and by that I mean christmas threw up. Im crushing on someone, but not sure where its heading.

I had my sad moment the other day. I hate being single because I hate being alone every night. I just want someone who wants to see me. I dont want to have to ask for company and then get turned down. Everyone fears rejection. Why even ask?

My schedule prevents me from trying to date. I just want to go on a date. I dont want to start dating. theres a difference.

Today is a random rant day. I apologize. I need to gather my thoughts.

Denist

So today I am going to the dentist for a few reasons. I have a chip in one tooth, a filling came out of another and im sure I have a few more cavaties. I havent been to the dentist in probably 14 years. And I dont like them.

It got to the point that I couldnt eat anything without being in pain. Right now, i just ate a bowl of cereal and my left side of my mouth and face are throbbing. Its going to cost me money. My benefits only cover so much of certain things. Anywhere from 90-60 percent covered. I need to get this done. Starting with the worst spot.

Hell, if i cant eat, maybe ill lose weight too!

The Friend Syndrome

So....I got to thinking last night...and sometimes me thinking cannot be good. I look back at times in my life and way over analyze things that probably shouldn't be analyzed. Lets start back at the beginning, way back to elementary school.

I like a boy. He likes me. He likes my friend more and says I'm a great friend. Yea, sure that's exactly what I want to be...just a friend. Replay that in high school. I like John. We go out. We talk nightly. We become close. He meets my friend Hope. He likes her and I'm such a great friend. I could keep going, but I'm sure you get the point.

I like someone now. I'm avoiding telling him because there is a group of us that hang out...when he knows that I like him, he is bound to like one of the other girls in the group. The insecure tomboy teenager comes back to take the place of the overly confident, strong 26 year old woman.

Where I seem confident, I'm not at all. I can hold my own in a fight, say what needs to be said, stand strong in being a big bitch, and whatever else. When it comes to groundhogs day take over my love life though, I fall down and hide. WTF.

One of these days, the confident woman will beat the shit out of the insecure teenager. But somehow, this kid has a hold on this adult.

I guess ill settle for being the great friend. They always say you gotta start as friends to build a relationship right? Right. Thats what im sticking to.

What to say, What to do?

This one will be short.

Ive been stressed out lately when it comes to finances. But I haven't broken down like I have in the past. Negative Nancy me (ironic because that's my moms name) is actually a little optimistic. Things will be fine. They might take a little time, but they will be just fine.

About 6 months ago I had a minor breakdown in my kitchen because I didn't know how I was going to pay the power bill that was due to be shut off. So bad of a breakdown, Sophia's father wanted to take her for the week. I told him that she is whats keeping me above ground.

I cant tell you what is different this time around. I used to suffer from depression. Not excessive. But i didn't know how to handle anything in my life. If it wasn't perfect there was a problem. Something changed this year. Heartbreak, loss, failure...guess they all make you stronger.

No crying over little things. I have my life, I have my daughter, I have my place (for now) and I have amazing friends. I'm OK.

Another Douchebag Deleted

So I had a minor breakdown last night. Not a big one. I wasn't a blabbering mess. I was just irritated and had a small tear falls. I found out something that I needed to know, but had to find out on my own.

I had been talking to a guy that I have known for quite some time. The past few months have been on a completely different level. I wasn't letting myself fall like I did in the past but I was feeling like this could be something good. He would come over and chill at least once a week all night. Have fun, talk crap, drink, watch movies. Nothing serious. One thing led to another and we were kissing. This is great. Kinda innocent moments, not raunchy. I could handle this. He started telling me how he was going to do this for my birthday and how we should go to these games and once again, this could be good.

He came to my birthday party and met all of my friends. Acting the same way with me in public as he did in private. Then he kinda fell off the face of the earth. I knew he was working a lot so I tried not to bother him. Send him a random "hey" or "hi" or "have a good day" text and got nothing, time after time. So I sent "do you want me to stop?". No response. So I stopped. Whatever your problem is you'll get over it and when you have time then you'll talk to me...ok.

I looked at Facebook yesterday. You can see when people take tests, what they say to other people, etc. With him being MIA I found it odd that he posted quiz results in the same day. So I got nosy. "How many kids will you have"...ok, fine. A comment posted to it dropped me. "I got 4 Babe!"....and then his mom made a comment in reference to the other girl...Then I looked at their history...Right around my birthday he added her. Since then there have been "miss you baby" and "cant wait to see you baby" comments all over it. That's why you've been distant.

That made me think once again, something is wrong with me. I am only good for being the side girl or stand by until something better comes along. What pissed me off is that he couldn't even tell me. JUST TELL ME and I'll leave you alone. DON'T just throw me to the side with nothing! I had known him for so long and we were friends first. Why couldn't he just tell me?

I deleted his number and deleted his facebook. The guy that didn't seem like he would be "that" guy turned out to be him in disguise. Too good to be true. That's how my luck works.

Doing what I have to do!

Today is my first day off since last month. Crazy right? I started a second job at a bowling alley working anywhere between 10 and 26 hours on top of the 40 hours I already work at my main job. The days have all run together. I have to look at my phone or a calender at least 3 times a day just to remind myself where I am in the week.

So far its been good. I am a quick learner so all of the basics are locked in my head. Some stuff is really simple and I wonder why people have had a hard time with it. Oh well. I still haven't gotten a dead wood (technical term for a pin in the gutter) because I don't wanna look like an ass yet. Everyone is cool with me. Started to really get along with a few of the girls.

My daughters birthday party is 6 days from today. I have to finish planning for that and buying all the goody bag stuff on Wednesday. My daughters father hasn't gotten back to me with who is coming with him so I am not going to plan on them. He can pay for whoever he brings. Makes me kinda sound like a bitch, but he knew he needed to let me know who was coming. I have to buy food and pay for bowling and I'm not paying for people I don't know.

Today and tomorrow are my first days off this month and I want to just lay here. Ill do laundry, clean and be the housewife instead. People have asked me why I took on a second job. Simple. I have to do what I need to do to take care of myself my daughter. Money was tight. Bills were past due. Comcast and Smud have had shut off notices at least once a month. I couldn't do that to my daughter. I need gas to get to work. I had to skimp on food and pay half bills. I don't like that.

So I'm doing what I have to do. I might be tired; I might not have as much social time; oh well. If anyone cant understand then they aren't my friend anyway.